I want to tell you a story.
When Sang Nila first stepped on the island of Temasek, the first thing he saw was a woman. She had just finished bathing in the river, and was lying on the bank. She was totally naked. Furthermore, she was spreading her legs, because it was a custom for young women to expose their nonok to the sun. In the experience of the people of Temasek, things exposed to the sun tend to last longer. Experiments had been done with fish, prawns and shrimp. So why not the nonok too, especially since it did not smell very different from many things that came from the sea?
Our good friend Sang Nila was a virgin. He had never seen a naked woman in his life. He knew how to use a bow and arrow, how to tie the 12 pleats to fasten his royal sarong, how to navigate the royal ship. But he had led a protected palace life, and probably could not tell the difference between a nonok and a porcupine. So when he saw the woman’s nonok winking in the sun, the lips parted slightly, moist with both the river water and its own secret secretions, he pointed at it and asked,
‘Bendaharam, tell me, what is that thing? I have never seen anything like it in my entire life.’
‘Which one, your Majesty?’ asked the Bendaharam.
‘That thing there, with the red body and the black mane.’
‘Your Majesty, that thing you are pointing at, is a nonok.’
If you read accounts of Sang Nila’s landing on Temasek, the records always say that he saw an animal with a red body and black mane. Now, I ask you, does that sound like a lion to you? A lion has a yellow body and an orange mane. Even primary school kids will use those colours when they are drawing lions. The only red thing I know with a black mane surrounding it is the beautiful nonok. I can only come to the conclusion that someone censored our real history, and that Sang Nila actually saw a nonok when he set foot here.
I think we would be a very different people if we lived in a country called Nonok. Imagine that. ‘Uniquely Nonok’. That is something really unique. Doesn't the 'nique' go with the 'nok'? In fact, that's how the 'nok' should be pronounced: as 'noque'. Nonoque. Sounds French, doesn't it? I always knew the word had a touch of class.
We will have such exciting tourist destinations like the Nonok Science Centre, the Nonok History Museum and the Nonok Discovery Centre. Tourists will queue up to take a flight on our world-famous Nonok Airlines, to be served first class champagne and caviar by the charming Nonok Girl. I cannot even start to imagine how a Nonok Girl opens the champagne bottle, right in front of you.
Every year, we will send our Miss Nonok to the Miss Universe competition. She will not have a national costume. In fact, she will not wear any costume at all. For variation, maybe one year she will appear shaved, and the next year extra bushy.
We will have a Republic of Nonok Navy and a Nonok Air Force to protect our beloved Nonok from our neighbours. Malaysian and Indonesian forces are to be feared, and newspapers will always print stories about their desire to rape us. We will keep their hard, angry, jealous cocks away from our borders. But we do welcome other cocks from other places, like the US, Europe and Japan. For these, we will willingly spread. Please Uncle Sam, please Hello Kitty, come and press my little red dot. Tickle it, rub it, nibble it, lick it, bite it.
Instead of one National Day, we will have a Nonok Day, one for each month. 12 Nonok Days. Same time each month. Employers will get grumpy and some politicians will lose their temper because of work hours that are lost. But these are some of the inevitable symptoms of celebrating Nonok Day. On that special day, we will sing songs like ‘We Are Nonok’ and ‘Stand Up For Nonok’.
If only this country we are standing on right now is called Nonok, instead of Singapore. I don’t think it’s impossible. I mean, there’s already a Nonok in Sarawak. Maybe we can call that Nonok Kecik, and we can call our country Nonok Besar. For once, we’ll be considered big. And I will definitely become more patriotic. Because I don’t think I will die for a country, but if you ask me if I will die for Nonok, I will say without any shame, Oh Yes yes!
- ALSA BOLEH! -
here at Stonehenge, them boys trying to jump without farting
Woolacombe, Devon - Daniel & Lyn wedding
Jai & his sister in Buckingham Palace (see if u can spot Her Majesty...)
Lady Luck caught up with THE Jeremy Clarkson
priceless...
